[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Current mood: Potato
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows