[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.