@ShortSleeveSuit

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

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@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@smithsara79

Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@thedadvocate01

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

@benmekler

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

@TheRolo

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

@thepaulasuzanne

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

@philefanaddict

The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.

@WheelTod

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.