CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten


CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.


Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.


I hear Simba’s screams every night.


I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.


[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.


Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.


You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.


Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?


I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis


Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted