People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
CHRISTEN: thank you
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.