Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
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this is what they would have looked like, though
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.