[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
You Might Also Like
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My love language is hissing.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh