Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You Might Also Like
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I am, perchance
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings