Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Straight people are cancelled
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm