I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur