Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
🙂🐾
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”