@djr_102
@deadstick_ron
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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@deadstick_ron
@NicestHippo
The most trusted name in news
@TheMichaelRock
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
@Mr_Kapowski
You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again
@cravin4
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
@athleisure_monk
[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.
@just1fool
I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.
@HuffPostComedy
#merica
@cromp_daddy
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
@ArfMeasures
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine