Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.

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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.


You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.


You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again


First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.


[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.


I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.


man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh


ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine