@djr_102

Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.

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@deadstick_ron

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

@Mr_Kapowski

You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again

@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

@athleisure_monk

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

@just1fool

I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.

@cromp_daddy

man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh

@ArfMeasures

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine