[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
You Might Also Like
The most trusted name in news
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.
You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.
I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine