Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.