@ChaoticBeny

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

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@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@SadMeterologist

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

@bobvulfov

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

@chrislockefun

DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

@mortimermaiden

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

@Mikecanrant

Blood moon, shooting stars….I gotta move to a safer galaxy

@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”