Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge