[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed