[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Google assistant rules
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
house sitting!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant