Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.


WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.


CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here


To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”


Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad


1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos


I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.


*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.


*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*