Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When the stylist spins you back around
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges