@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

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@Ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@thedad

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

@McGrumpenstein

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

@NickMotown

To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”

@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

@dank_hitler

1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos

@inmynewskin

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

@GinAndJif

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

@maebemarbles

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?