Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.