[christmas dinner]


extended family member:


extended family member:


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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”


Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.


I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.


Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies


Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”


Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.


God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*