@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

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@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

@skittle624

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

@IvoryGazelle

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

@ElKnuckelhombre

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@xLiserx

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

@nyquills

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*