[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.