Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met