CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*