CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.