I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Strange
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.