Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
uncle dave has been through hell
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
what does he know…
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA