Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I love wikipedia
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines