@Sophie2078

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

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@heyitsJudeD

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

@charmfoz

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

@threetimedaddy

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*