The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
inventing words: clothing
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.