Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.