@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

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@spaceboyriley

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

@thomastf04

British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water

@WheelTod

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

@Ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

@TheAndrewNadeau

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

@cdncyn

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face
Priceless

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.