[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The news
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Super Hand Dog Face
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup