@ArfMeasures

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

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@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

@runolgarun

saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

@Horrorsc0pes

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

@whippedjelli

if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy

@badbanana

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

@TwinSurvivalist

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”