[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.


saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side


The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy


Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.


I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.


I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.


Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”