[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.