Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice