@AngelaBishop

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

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@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@TR_Wilson

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

@mrkoodge

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@truegritrumble

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.