GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
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Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hate w.hen my period comes early
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.