Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.