[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Fries, not lies.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.