@Social_Mime

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

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@Jenny4ashley

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

@wittwitbarista

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

@bobby

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@Marlebean

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

@shutupmikeginn

Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so i can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause i’m in it

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it