Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
my mom making me talk to relatives
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board