Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?


With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.


just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.


My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!


Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.


WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there


Gonna need you to finish your story real quick so i can tell you how the same thing happened to me, but its more interesting cause i’m in it


My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground


To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???


DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it