Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I need better friends
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.