Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Just say no
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore