[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
They’re really bad with fonts.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.