[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.