[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around