My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
He took my last fry, your honor
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
They’re the worst 😩
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
It was worth a shot 😂
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock