Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.