@jonnysun

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

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@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

@abbycohenwl

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@simoncholland

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

@SoulYodeler

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

@blitz2six

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

@Sean_Burgundy_

Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.