*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
cushion on the right slightly discoloured