Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad