Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Oh my God.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Happy Friday
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
wishing you and yours all the best
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic