Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”