@climaxximus

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

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@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@WeissBrandon

Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@panmidwest

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@DaddyJew

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

@noog

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.