TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
You Might Also Like
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.