Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.