“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.