Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.