@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

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@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@DrakeGatsby

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

@Tetley6969

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

@Scottzilla667

I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

@Vodkantots

I’m incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management.

I’ve never even held an entry-level position.

@thatUPSdude

Me: This infomercial is so stupid.

*10 mins later*

Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?

@novicefather

Friends don’t let friends have friends. Be a friend, don’t be a friend.

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@Tmoney68

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”