Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
our love story in four pictures
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.