CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

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Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?


my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”


Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.


My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him


[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone


Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.


I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?